Guten Tag noch einmal or Hello again!
I was married at twenty, madly in love and MUCH too young, a total romantic! The birth pill was very new at the time and served me well until I was 27 and, female emotions as they are, I was so pleased to be pregnant and loved every bit of the process, determined to really be healthy and eat well (this seemed to involve making trays of flapjack and eating them before they had cooled, making my own muesli, which tasted like horse food and drinking tea made from dried raspberry leaves, to give me a good birth! I tried the lot and read everything! Looking back, I couldn’t understand why my husband wasn’t as interested as I was! Poor soul!)
Then, shock horrors, one day I noticed in the mirror (it becomes very difficult to see underneath your tummy if it is sticking out like a policeman’s helmet and, indeed, say goodbye to your feet for four months and try to remember what colour your pubes are because you can’t see those either!) that I had some very strange skin appearing!
OH NO YOU DON’T, NOT TO ME BABY! I AM A PRINCESS AND I WILL NOT HAVE STRETCH MARKS!
I waddled up to the chemist and bought as much Almond oil as they had. Brought it back and started the regime of complete body coverage, as many areas as I could manage around that huge bump of a baby (My son is now six feet four)
My huge tummy was glowing and so shiny, and so greasy! I can remember my cotton frock sticking to it, just like those horrible nylon shower curtains in B & Bs, when you are nearly sick trying to detach them from your backside AND THEY WON’T GO, THEY JUST CLING!
I have three children and NOT a stretch mark in sight!
I have continued the almond oil anointing about twice a week. You have to choose your timings as you need to be hanging around after your bath for quite a while because you need to allow the oil to absorb before you put your pyjamas on OR, if you don’t wear nightclothes, before you stick to the sheets! Also you are much too slippery to have sex so choose one of those off-times! Actually, I put two or three drops of lavender oil into the bottle (dependent on size of bottle) which then informs most of the household, especially if you add too many drops, that you could be hanging around starkers and very shiny, as the aroma of lavender permeates the whole house!
You can buy a brown glass bottle of almond oil (over the counter at Tesco pharmacy, or Boots or any Pharmacy!) for under a pound. It doesn’t look too good on the dressing table, so keep it in the medicine cupboard. Lavender oil is sold at Holland and Barret or one of those Aromatherapy shops.
I don’t really use suntan lotion, only once or twice, when I feel my husband hasn’t paid my body any attention, have I asked for my back to be coated in it. ( I must say, I thought he had shaped up amazingly well over these years and felt he showed tremendous interest in massaging my body BUT the past five years, it’s like he is rubbing bird poo off the car bonnet!)
Before and after ‘sunning’ I coat myself in almond oil, which actually absorbs much better if your skin is hot, hence why I usually use it after a relaxing bath in the evening. It is brilliant for helping to keep that suntan.
Please don’t all go out and buy up the Tesco almond oil today (like Jamie Oliver ingredients when he brings out a new book) as I have run out!