Body Oil Bliss!

Guten Tag noch einmal or Hello again!

I was married at twenty, madly in love and MUCH too young, a total romantic! The birth pill was very new at the time and served me well until I was 27 and, female emotions as they are, I was so pleased to be pregnant and loved every bit of the process, determined to really be healthy and eat well (this seemed to involve making trays of flapjack and eating them before they had cooled, making my own muesli, which tasted like horse food and drinking tea made from dried raspberry leaves, to give me a good birth! I tried the lot and read everything! Looking back, I couldn’t understand why my husband wasn’t as interested as I was! Poor soul!)

Then, shock horrors, one day I noticed in the mirror (it becomes very difficult to see underneath your tummy if it is sticking out like a policeman’s helmet and, indeed, say goodbye to your feet for four months and try to remember what colour your pubes are because you can’t see those either!) that I had some very strange skin appearing!


I waddled up to the chemist and bought as much Almond oil as they had. Brought it back and started the regime of complete body coverage, as many areas as I could manage around that huge bump of a baby (My son is now six feet four)

My huge tummy was glowing and so shiny, and so greasy! I can remember my cotton frock sticking to it, just like those horrible nylon shower curtains in B & Bs, when you are nearly sick trying to detach them from your backside AND THEY WON’T GO, THEY JUST CLING!

I have three children and NOT a stretch mark in sight!

I have continued the almond oil anointing about twice a week. You have to choose your timings as you need to be hanging around after your bath for quite a while because you need to allow the oil to absorb before you put your pyjamas on OR, if you don’t wear nightclothes, before you stick to the sheets! Also you are much too slippery to have sex so choose one of those off-times! Actually, I put two or three drops of lavender oil into the bottle (dependent on size of bottle) which then informs most of the household, especially if you add too many drops, that you could be hanging around starkers and very shiny, as the aroma of lavender permeates the whole house!

You can buy a brown glass bottle of almond oil (over the counter at Tesco pharmacy, or Boots or any Pharmacy!) for under a pound. It doesn’t look too good on the dressing table, so keep it in the medicine cupboard. Lavender oil is sold at Holland and Barret or one of those Aromatherapy shops.

I don’t really use suntan lotion, only once or twice, when I feel my husband hasn’t paid my body any attention, have I asked for my back to be coated in it. ( I must say, I thought he had shaped up amazingly well over these years and felt he showed tremendous interest in massaging my body BUT the past five years, it’s like he is rubbing bird poo off the car bonnet!)

Before and after ‘sunning’ I coat myself in almond oil, which actually absorbs much better if your skin is hot, hence why I usually use it after a relaxing bath in the evening. It is brilliant for helping to keep that suntan.

Please don’t all go out and buy up the Tesco almond oil today (like Jamie Oliver ingredients when he brings out a new book) as I have run out!



  1. Hello! I have just discovered your blog but I do read your daughters blog.

    I have been using coconut oil on my skin for the last six months as I bought loads of it while on holiday in India. Its running out, so I will definitely try the almond oil next. Thanks for the tip, I really like your blog!

    1. Haven’t found the American book but just glanced the Rumi one in my peripheral vision! Am off to my garden to contemplate the pond and its damsel flies, irridescent sapphire blues in the sunlight. Time for a ‘med’, it’s good for the skin and one’s ego, or vanity, or whatevers!

  2. One that I find brilliant that is good for all over (face, body and ………feet (it is great for your feet) is Emu Oil!
    It lasts forever and a day, is cheap (you can buy it cheaply on-line or on ebay) it sinks into your skin quite quickly and rehydrates your skin like you wouldn’t believe and leaves your skin silky smooth (Yes, think baby’s bottom! Lol) and you can use it on your face also alone or underneath your normal moisturiser like a serum! It has had such good feedback and reviews like you wouldn’t believe.
    I would say try it and think I can honestly say once you have tried this you won’t want anything else!!!!!
    Ooooohhh BTW nice to meet you (well speak in a round-a-bout sort of way) I saw Ruth’s link yo your blog and enjoyed reading your items so signed up! Well done and I look forward to reading more


    Natasha xxx

    1. Emu oil? Now I have a feeling you are having me on! ? I have a vivid imagination but I am not using it to ponder where this oil comes from? NATASHA! or is it Naughty Natasha?

      1. No honestly I would not lie about that! Check out about Emu Oil on line! Hmmmm Naughty Natasha??? Sometimes (but not this time! Lol) xxx

      2. Meant to also say I brought half a litre of it for £15.99 from a reputable seller on ebay 9 months ago who specialises in organic and emu oil and it lasts forever and day! You can use it everywhere on your body and face! It really is amazing and was an unknown secret until recently but it has had such good feedback and write ups in the beauty world and what it can do you will be amazed BELIEVE ME!!!! Google it online and you will be astounded as to what you can use if for!!!! It also has healing properties and is eau naturel !!!! I love it for my body, feet and I also use to mix with my essential oils as a carrier! xxxx

  3. Hello and welcome to my favourites,I’ve yet to read your other posts, but I do like any cheap and natural beauty post so I’m interested already . . . .. but ooh er missus (ruth your Mam is talking about sex)

    I love the smell of Almond Oil, I pick mine up at the local Halal shop as they have the best prices and the shop assistants always have time for a chat so they inspire customer loyality.

    Hi Laura a friend of mine swears by Coconut oil, she used it in her pregnancy and now when her baby has any dry patches she just smothers him in coconut oil.

    In case people don’t know as I’ve just discovered it, You can get coconut oil in your local chemist, it’s sold in generic white tubs in a solid block but turns to oil at body temperature or when applied with warm hands

    1. Dear Helen,
      You are a wonder with those tips for the Halal shop and also I can now remember buying coconut oil, in a tub from the chemist ,as we used it to remove theatrical face grease-paints and I vaguely remember my brother in law massaging it into his dry grey hair ( perhaps Brylcream was more expensive or maybe it helped the ‘teddy-boy’ quiff to stay up better?)
      Many thanks, and thankyou for reading my posts; I am encouraged to write more now.

  4. Hello from sunny Singapore! I’m so glad to have discovered your blog, thanks to A Model Recommends. I absolutely love your style of writing – some of which made me laugh out loud, drawing funny looks from my hubby! I’m inspired by the fact that you look so amazing despite being 60! And yes, I have started using almond oil. 🙂

  5. Ah!! If only someone had told me this years ago! I’ve lost 30 odd pounds in the last few months and it’s left me with awful stretch marks everywhere 😦

    They’re almost impossible to get rid of right? Such a shame!

  6. Heya there! I read your daughter’s blog and discovered your’s pretty swiftly. I am just wondering whether you’ve tried BioOIL? It claims to do what you described above, but it’s so expensive and I don’t know whether I am just buying into the hype (and be a really gullible person!). I have really nasty acne scars on my arms, so I use the BioOIL in the hope to lighten up the marks.

    Your blog is really amusing, keep it up, your sense of humour is amazing! Lots of love and god bless xx

    1. Guten Tag meine Fraulein lederhosensebastian,
      I am pleased you like my sense of humour and I love your name as I so remember ledenhosen from my past.
      I haven’t tried BioOIL as I tend to use sooooooooo much body oil as it soaks in so quickly that I tend to buy the cheapest possible and save my pennies for my face skincare. However, I know exactly what you mean about the ‘gullibility’ but I get round that by the TREAT strategy which really dupes the left side of my brain (I think that is the logic hemisphere) into thinking that because I work really hard I deserve an expensive treat!

      1. Ahaha, thanks for liking my name, I am in no way German but the “lederhosen” and “sebastian” crept up so many times in my days when I studied German in school (yes, I was sad enough to do it up to Alevels, a real love-hate relationship!). Thanks for the advice, I think I’ll persist with BioOil and see how much longer it’ll work! Thank goodness Amazon sells it for half the price! Now you got my interested, what was your experience with lederhosen?! xx

  7. I’ve not yet been initiated to the miracles of almond oil but, with my fiancé and I hoping to start our family, this may soon change.

    I have always happily guzzled parabens and petrochemicals – until discovering the skincare range, Pai, through your witty and very beautiful daughter – and would like to continue to lessen my chemical load with natural products.

    You make me smile, and then laugh… a lot! :0)

    Sarah x

    1. Dear Sarah,
      Remember, don’t use almond oil before sex!
      Ruth hasn’t told me anything at all about ‘Pai’ so I am going to have a word! Will look through her posts. I am, at the moment, using some Dr. Hauschka products, which are ‘wholly natural authentic beauty’ products. Still investigating! Next weeks post.
      Thankyou for reading!

  8. Hello from a wrinkly 55 year old woman in Australia. I love your wonderful sense of humour and some of your writing had me in tears of laughter. I am very much enjoying your blog! Every time I think about your comment about your husband massaging you as if “he was rubbing bird poo off the car” I have a little chuckle.

    1. Thankyou so much for reading my ramblings along memory lane; I am so enjoying writing to everyone and it is lovely when you reply, as it makes it worthwhile. I am going to try and attack the re-designing of my pages and become more versatile with the layout, I need to achieve some familiarity with WordPress. Watch this space! I thought I would have loads of time when I retired BUT I can’t fit everything in and the days are speeding by!

  9. You are an awesome writer! I am using a mix of extra virgin olive oil & coconut oil right now to prevent pregnancy stretch marks… it’s stops the raw, itching feeling, but yet to see if it will work. Sometimes I use cocoa butter too, a specially formulated stretch marks one. Although mine are in the red stage right now, perhaps i got onto it too late?? 😦 Will all this reeking of coconuts/chocolate (“gourmand fragrance”) come to naught?

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